A LITTLE HUMOR

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"A strong positive mental attitude will create more miracles than any wonder drug."

~ Patricia Neal

"It's these changes in latitudes, changes in attitudes
Nothing remains quite the same
With all of our running and all of our cunning
 If we couldn't laugh we would all go insane"

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With the average cost for a nursing home reaching $188.00 per day, there is a better way to spend our savings, when we get old and feeble.

I have already checked on reservations at the Holiday Inn for a combined long term stay discount and a senior discount. It comes to only $49.23 per night. That leaves $138.77 a day for:

1.  Breakfast, lunch and dinner in any restaurant I want, or room service.

2. Laundry, gratuities and special TV movies. Plus, they provide a swimming pool, a workout room, a lounge, washer, dryer,etc. Most have free toothpaste and razors, and all have free shampoo and soap.

3. They treat you like a customer, not a patient. $5 worth of tips a day will have the entire staff scrambling to help you.

4. There is city Bus stop out front, and seniors ride free. The Handicap bus will also pick you up (if you fake a decent limp).

5. To meet other nice people, call a Church bus on Sundays. For a change of scenery, take the Airport shuttle Bus and eat at one of the nice restaurants there. While you're at the airport, fly somewhere. Otherwise the cash keeps building up.

6. It takes months to get into decent nursing homes. Holiday Inn will take your reservation today. And - you are not stuck in one place forever, you can move from Inn to Inn, or even from city to city. Want to see Hawaii? They have a Holiday Inn there too.

7. TV broken? Light bulbs need changing? Need a mattress replaced? No problem. They fix everything, and apologize for the inconvenience.

8. The Inn has a night security person and daily room service. The maid checks to see if you are OK. If not, they will call the undertaker or an ambulance. If you fall and break a hip, Medicare will pay for the hip, and Holiday Inn will upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life.

9. And no worries about visits from family. They will always be glad to find you, and will probably check in for a few days mini-vacation. The grandkids can use the pool.

What more can you ask for?  So . . .

When I reach the Golden age, I'll face it with a grin -- Just forward all my email to: me@Holiday_Inn!

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Only in America...can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance...

Only in America...are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink...

Only in America...do people order double cheese burgers, a large fry, and a diet coke...

Only in America...do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters...

Only in America...do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and leave useless things and junk in boxes in the garage...

Only in America...do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place...

Only in America...do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight...

Only in America...do we use the word "politics" to describe the process so well: "Poli" in latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning "blood-sucking creatures"...

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After a long day at rehab

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Wasn't it the Rolling Stones' lead singer Mick Jagger who once penned the words "what a drag it is getting old"? Well, apparently Stones' fans are finally getting the message. At a recent Rolling Stones concert at Edison International Field in Anaheim, California a number of fans came up to the local police officers manning the outside of the stadium complaining that they had run out of the quite plentiful handicap parking spaces.

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The Etiology & Treatment of Childhood

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The other day I was using the ATM machine at my bank, and I noticed that they upgraded the ATM machine to include Braille buttons.  I thought, "Gee I'm glad my bank is willing to spend a little extra money to help out people who are blind".  Then I realized....

This was a drive-thru ATM machine.

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You Might Be A Handicapped Redneck If....

• Any part of your wheelchair is painted cameo.

• You have a wheelchair up on blocks in your front yard.

• You rigged up a beer cooler powered off your chair batteries.

• You wear cowboy, biker, or work boots, even though they're hard to put on and you can't walk anyway.

• You adjusted your headrest so it'll stop knocking off your hat.

• You installed a gun rack on the back of your wheelchair.

• Your joystick [which does not live up to its name] is a billiard ball, car stick shift knob, beer. tap, or similar item.

• You ever thought about jacking your chair up 2 or 3 feet.

• You have knobby mud tires - that never get dirty.

• You installed a sound system so your chair will sound like a truck or hog.

• You installed a whip antenna just so you could fly the stars and bars!

• There is a 'Harley' decal or emblem permanently attached to your chair.

• You installed a CB behind or under your chair.

• You replaced your seat with a BarcoLounger.

• You found the above BarcoLounger at the side of the road.

• You named your chair 'Bubba', 'Junior', 'Daisy', or 'Killer'.

• There is some part of a deer decorating any part of your chair.

• You have ever thought about smuggling moonshine in the tubing or battery compartment of the chair.

• You, while in your wheelchair, ever made any roadkill.

• The accessories hangin' on the chair weigh more than 1/3 what your w/c does.

• You browse truck catalogs looking for ways to soup up your wheelchair.

• You want to add a side-car or a 'sweet little trailer'.

• You wear a 4 pound belt buckle that cuts into your stomach as you sit.

• The fringe of your jacket or strings of your bolo tie have ever gotten caught in your wheels - but you wear it anyway.

• You regularly call up Harley Davidson and ask when they're going to start making wheelchairs.

• You have spent more than an hour trying to figure out how to hang fuzzy dice from your chair.

• Duct tape plays a major role in your repair and maintenance plan.

• You read this list and found yourself thinking, at any point, "Now that's a good idea!"

AND....This one added by Charlie Greulich (which I'm told he really did!)....

• You ever drove your powerchair through the drive-thru at McDonald’s.

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Hymns for the Disabled Crowd

1. Precious Lord, Take My Hand ... And Help Me Up

2. It Is Well with My Soul ... But My Knees Hurt

3. Nobody Knows the Trouble I Have Seen

4. Just a Slower Walk with Thee

5. Count Your Many Birthdays, Name Them One by One

6. Go Tell It on the Mountain ... But Speak Up

7. Sing Me that Old Time Religion

8. Blessed Insurance

9. Guide Me O Thou Great Jehovah ... I Can't Find Any Curb Cuts

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